Archive for February, 2012

Getting personal

Sometimes I make excuses. I think it is pretty universal. Excuses for doing things you shouldn’t do. Excuses why things are not your fault. Excuses for not doing what you should. I’ve been doing it a fair bit lately. Excuses for not working out. Excuses for spending more money than I have. Excuses for being less than I can be. Less than I should be. And certainly less than I want to be.

Sometimes I have doubts. Doubts about my strength. Doubts about my potential. Doubts about my motivation and my resolve. Doubts about my ability to create this life that I want to lead. I think this too, is pretty universal. That most people experience these doubts and more, from time to time. Some more than others. I have no statistics, but I believe it is so.

So what can you do? What can you do when the excuses pile up, and the doubts pull you down? What can you do when you feel like giving up, like it is hopeless? And don’t worry, I’m not talking about life in general. Just the life I would prefer to lead. The life I want. The climbers life.

I have made mistakes. I have accepted some silly excuses. I have let doubts grow into insecurities. And recently it has felt like it is slipping away.

But it wont slip away. I am standing up to myself. I am standing up for myself. I am standing with myself. I will lead my climbers life. Period.

What I am doing is hard. For some it probably comes easy. But for me it is most certainly not. What is easy for me is the ordinary life. Immersing myself in a my job, playing computer games, going out for drinks, watching football games, wife, kids and a station wagon if I’m “lucky”. But I don’t want that. A lot of people want that. There is nothing wrong with wanting that. Just 5 years ago I thought I wanted that. But now, there is no greater fear in my mind than going back to that life. It feels kinda like dying, little by little, day by day.

I don’t need much to show for my life. I don’t need any glorious first ascents, I don’t need to climb 5.15, or summit K2. But I need to give it my all. And if my all includes 5.15 then I need it. If it is 5.11, I need 5.11. What I really need is the challenge. The struggle to get better. The reward of knowing I found my limits.

Climbing is my greatest joy. The trip showed me without a doubt, that I want nothing more. So why does it feel like too much?

Right now my finances are the major worry. If I don’t have any money, and I am worried I wont make enough by summer to do the things I want to do this summer. Can I work hard for another full year without the reward of great adventure? I am spoiled now. Great expectations and all that.

See? Excuses, doubts, insecurities, fears, worry. Hard work to get through it. But I am getting through it. I will it so.